Stupidity takes human-form

I am hurting so much right now. I don’t know if anyone will be able to understand what I say, and whether my feelings are just “yet another problem” that is too minuscule to warrant such strong feelings.

But let me tell you this. I know. I know all the fucking lies that you’ve told. I know all the things that you have been doing on the side that you think I am too unobservant to notice.

I know that you are cheating on me. Funny how things work eh?

When I first left Shanghai and you wanted to break up with me because you can’t do the whole LDR thing, that should have been my first red flag. But of course, I am the stupid optimist that hoped that you would love me enough to change your mind.

I flew to Shanghai and I snooped on your phone. I am so thankful I did, because if not I wouldn’t have known that you were already sleeping around with other people. I fucking flew to Shanghai to see you, asshole.

But I stuck with it, I convinced myself that you had needs, and that it was meaningless sex.

We went to Boracay and I snooped again. Because I wanted to see if things had changed. That when you said you were willing to wait for me, that you were being serious. You were there 4 days before I was. And in that 4 days, you were on the app asking people to come over to your hotel room.

In the same fucking hotel room that I was going to be in. In the same bed I was going to be in while you cuddled me to sleep. In the same room we would talk about our future.

I asked you if you had downloaded the apps. You refused to let me see your phone. I said, what are you hiding from me? Can’t you just be honest with me?

You said a LDR is built on trust. I said,so can I trust you that you didn’t already downloaded the apps? You said yes. But I knew. I fucking knew the whole time. I kept my cool. I wanted this to work out. It has always been me fighting for this. Always.

We were apart for 3 months, now here we are. We decided to give this LDR a try. I gave in, and said, please, let’s just try to make it work. Let’s have an open relationship. You said yes. I set rules. No sleeping with the same person, no dating other people, always practice safe sex.

I can’t say whether or not you practiced safe sex. But I know that you have been sleeping with the same people. I can see your messages. But at least you told one of them that you were seeing someone, and that it was a LDR open relationship. I felt okay. I felt like I could still accept it.

I accidentally saw you texting a Dai Dai. Some Chinese person. It piqued my curiosity. But I kept quiet. I read through the messages where Dai Dai added you after seeing you DJ and you guys started talking.

It seemed innocent enough until you said you didn’t like it when Dai Dai played games with you. You said you asked Dai Dai out. You said you thought Dai Dai was good looking.

I was on the edge. I could not believe my eyes. We went to drink, and you said you were going to break up with me after you left. I cried. You said you were kidding.

I know you weren’t.

I asked if you were going to go back to the states. You said no. I said why didn’t you tell me this earlier when you already made up your mind? You said nothing. I said I applied for graduate school for you to be with you. You said you wouldn’t move for me to North Carolina.

Remember when I first told you about graduate school and you said you were just one state away, and that you were willing to find a job in the state I land up in? Fucking. Bullshit.

I was already hurting. Hurting so much from all the lies that you have told me. Hurting so much from you telling me you wanted to break up with me after you left. Why the fuck would anyone joke about that?

Now I know that you are still texting Dai Dai. Right when I am with you. I AM FUCKING HERE. Do you not realise how fucked up that is? When you were sick on this trip, who is the one who cooked you dinner, bought you your energy drink, and took care of you? And you have the audacity to talk to Dai Dai when you are with me?

I tried to be okay, tried to not show my emotions. But of course, I wear my heart on my face.

You asked me if I resented you because I had to take care of you when you were sick. I said no, I resent you for other things. You asked me what other things? I said it’s fine.

What do I say to someone who is cheating on me, right when I am with you? What do I say to someone that I thought I could trust, but can’t say the same anymore? What do I say to someone that has hurt me on so many occasions?

When I look into your eyes, all I can think about is how could I have looked at you for the past 1 year, thinking I knew you, but in fact, I know nothing at all? You don’t remember the things that come out of your mouth. After all “they are just words” right? And that “my mind can change”, after 2 weeks right?

I want to hate you, and tell you you are an asshole. But I can’t. Because as much as I hate your guts for putting me in such turmoil. I hate my guts for putting you first.

I hate myself for putting your needs before mine. For always making excuses for you. For always being there, when you wouldn’t do the same for me.

I told you my insecurity about trusting people. And you betrayed my trust.

I need to cry this out.